Mock the Week's Ultimate Panic-Buy!

Tired, nervous headache? Stressed out by shopping? Need an affordable, pleasingly sized book that is guaranteed to be funny? Press the buy button now! Unlikely Things to Read in The Joy of Sex: Making the sound of a tuba when she bends over is rarely a good idea. Strange Things to Hear from your Satnav: 'At the next junction, bear left, open the throttle and let's see what this little baby can do.' Unlikely Things to Read in a Pet Manual: Labradors are intelligent but you'll still be able to beat them at board games.

Lines You Won't Hear in Dr Who: 'Here's your new assistant, Doctor - she's fifty-eight and happily married.' Unlikely Things to Read in a Parenting Book: It's always great to have a comforter handy for your baby to hold on to when they need it. Ours is called Michael; he's a lovely man. Other 'scenes we'd like to see' include: Unpleasant Real Ales * Bad Names for Racehorses * Unlikely Things to Read on a Tube of Toothpaste * Unlikely Tax Return Form Questions * Unlikely Obituaries * Rejected Royal Baby Names * Unlikely Things to Hear in a Public Swimming Pool * Unlikely Lines from a Bond Film.